Well, I just finished the book yesterday and while I couldn’t keep up the same schedule as your substack, have really enjoyed all these comments!
For me while reading the book, carrying the seal around was a representation of the weight of caretaking that kate/Mrs. Brown had felt through motherhood, it’s scars and precarious moments the fear we carry for harm that may come to our children. She’s wrestling with the fact of the responsibility ending as her children were now independent and scattered all over the world, and what her usefulness will be then. So it was a very peaceful ending to see the seal sliding into the sea, like an all too perfect metaphor for her job as mother successfully done, ready to move into a new chapter, and all the mixed feelings of loss and joy that this entails. A small section where she recounts her children’s’ baby days to Maureen, as a mother oy I felt that because my kids are now 9 and halfway to 18 and therefore DONE with me…twist the knife. (Not that kids move out at 18 anymore or that we are ever really done…)
And alongside this accepting the grey hair a tangible signal of letting go of all the “shoulds” that women subject themselves to regarding societal expectations of ageless beauty, serving as decor for men, etc. But now realizing there is even more here and this interpretation possibly too literal!
Also enjoyed the sections that to me felt like pondering the many ways a marriage can be considered successful, her and her husbands’ affairs, comparing hers to her neighbor Mary, and possibilities for Maureen as she contemplates choosing a spouse.
I spent the first prob half of the book wondering if it’s too late for me to learn three languages so I too could travel Europe and get a piece of that bottomless Global Food money.
I know I’ll be thinking about this book for a long time to come and since it’s winter here in the southern hemisphere, the perfect time to explore more of Lessing’s work!
The edition I read from the library (UK first edition) was last borrowed in 2019, and has a history going all the way back to July ‘74, 2 years before I was BORN, so that’s just a fun little fact for everyone. :)
I had similar reactions to all of yours. I was particularly bothered by Kate's lack of awareness in expecting Eileen to take over. To feel good about Kate's return to the family, I needed a clearer sense of her transformation and how it would play out. Having had the Tim memory play so heavily on Kate, I particularly wanted to see them interact in a different way, not merely have her tell him she wouldn't care for him in his illness.
Kate has a sense of hope for herself, but I don't feel much hope for her and even less for the next generation of women. Eileen takes over the household. Maureen's still in a muddle. And Kate leaves Maureen a "bottle of scent." What? How is that going to usher in the next generation?
I wonder if Lessing was making a statement to counter the pro-divorce sentiment of the 70's. Relationship therapists were much more likely to recommend or support divorce then. Writes Bill Doherty, a well-known family therapist, about the 70's; "Although I wanted my own marriage to last a lifetime, I was an enthusiast for the new therapeutic culture of divorce. I thought we were helping to sweep away ill-formed marriages from prerevolutionary times and usher in a golden age of equalitarian, psychologically aware marriages. I remember feeling glad that the divorce rate was skyrocketing during the 1970s." (https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/reflections-divorce-revolution)
Perhaps Lessing's book aimed for a social commentary that one could evolve and stay in/return to a marriage. If so, I think she offered a wise counterbalance to the sentiment that divorce solved everything and young kids wouldn't be negatively impacted. Our views have evolved since the 70's; we're less idealistic about divorce. Today, I think we have less need for stories showing evolution can happen within marriage, although that we still need stories of women (and men) being true to themselves while living in a world that pushes for conformity.
But back to Kate--Overall, I think the seal got a better outcome than she did!
I felt confused by Kate going into action mode of planning the return of the family to the household, just like old times--getting on the phone, seemingly animated with purpose, like old times. I kept waiting for her to change her mind, to stop herself, maybe not to go home at all. But she is going to. So is it different now because she's choosing it? In the sense that she has awareness that she's choosing the caregiver role? Because what else is there? I don't know!
I’m having the same reactions. Lessing depicted the attitudes and daily life of a certain class in this era so on-target (and yes, was eerily prescient), and then this last section was disappointing. Has anyone read The Good Terrorist? I think I’ll tackle that this summer too.
I agree, Cari. The writing holds up but the conclusion left me wondering if the decision to not dye her hair was somehow more significant then, to Lessing, or is meant to be the first brick to fall from the wall, or is Lessing herself commenting here on how little or significantly any of us "change," if at all.
I'm trying to think of other books that have done this to me, but this book reminded me of the one time I've knowingly slept-walked, the one time I went to bed and woke up on the couch. At some point I went from point A to point B and I'm really not sure how.
That's kind of how I feel about this book—at some point I started off on a journey with a middle-aged woman going out into the world to find herself, and I thought I knew where we were going. And then the next thing I knew I was having dinner with her and a self-important young fascist (who felt absolutely creepily contemporary 2023) in an underground flop-house. Like, wait, a second, uh, how'd I get here, again?
I feel like I need to read through this book again knowing where it went, knowing what misplaced assumptions I brought into it, to try to figure out what I lost along the way. The kind of dissatisfaction I felt at the end (which may or may not be anything like what you're experiencing), I wonder if it's a matter of having lost the thread along the way, or just that disorienting feeling of thinking I'd picked up one thread and then found out I was holding something entirely different at the end.
Which is all to say I think I have more to say but I'm not sure I know how to say it yet!..
Well, I just finished the book yesterday and while I couldn’t keep up the same schedule as your substack, have really enjoyed all these comments!
For me while reading the book, carrying the seal around was a representation of the weight of caretaking that kate/Mrs. Brown had felt through motherhood, it’s scars and precarious moments the fear we carry for harm that may come to our children. She’s wrestling with the fact of the responsibility ending as her children were now independent and scattered all over the world, and what her usefulness will be then. So it was a very peaceful ending to see the seal sliding into the sea, like an all too perfect metaphor for her job as mother successfully done, ready to move into a new chapter, and all the mixed feelings of loss and joy that this entails. A small section where she recounts her children’s’ baby days to Maureen, as a mother oy I felt that because my kids are now 9 and halfway to 18 and therefore DONE with me…twist the knife. (Not that kids move out at 18 anymore or that we are ever really done…)
And alongside this accepting the grey hair a tangible signal of letting go of all the “shoulds” that women subject themselves to regarding societal expectations of ageless beauty, serving as decor for men, etc. But now realizing there is even more here and this interpretation possibly too literal!
Also enjoyed the sections that to me felt like pondering the many ways a marriage can be considered successful, her and her husbands’ affairs, comparing hers to her neighbor Mary, and possibilities for Maureen as she contemplates choosing a spouse.
I spent the first prob half of the book wondering if it’s too late for me to learn three languages so I too could travel Europe and get a piece of that bottomless Global Food money.
I know I’ll be thinking about this book for a long time to come and since it’s winter here in the southern hemisphere, the perfect time to explore more of Lessing’s work!
The edition I read from the library (UK first edition) was last borrowed in 2019, and has a history going all the way back to July ‘74, 2 years before I was BORN, so that’s just a fun little fact for everyone. :)
Thanks again for this Cari!
Ha! I read a little about Lessing’s personal life and I now agree that she probably wasn’t aiming to give the pro-marriage message I hypothesized.
Thanks for providing context and for creating this reading experience for us, Cari. I enjoyed learning more about Lessing. Happy summer!
I had similar reactions to all of yours. I was particularly bothered by Kate's lack of awareness in expecting Eileen to take over. To feel good about Kate's return to the family, I needed a clearer sense of her transformation and how it would play out. Having had the Tim memory play so heavily on Kate, I particularly wanted to see them interact in a different way, not merely have her tell him she wouldn't care for him in his illness.
Kate has a sense of hope for herself, but I don't feel much hope for her and even less for the next generation of women. Eileen takes over the household. Maureen's still in a muddle. And Kate leaves Maureen a "bottle of scent." What? How is that going to usher in the next generation?
I wonder if Lessing was making a statement to counter the pro-divorce sentiment of the 70's. Relationship therapists were much more likely to recommend or support divorce then. Writes Bill Doherty, a well-known family therapist, about the 70's; "Although I wanted my own marriage to last a lifetime, I was an enthusiast for the new therapeutic culture of divorce. I thought we were helping to sweep away ill-formed marriages from prerevolutionary times and usher in a golden age of equalitarian, psychologically aware marriages. I remember feeling glad that the divorce rate was skyrocketing during the 1970s." (https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/reflections-divorce-revolution)
Perhaps Lessing's book aimed for a social commentary that one could evolve and stay in/return to a marriage. If so, I think she offered a wise counterbalance to the sentiment that divorce solved everything and young kids wouldn't be negatively impacted. Our views have evolved since the 70's; we're less idealistic about divorce. Today, I think we have less need for stories showing evolution can happen within marriage, although that we still need stories of women (and men) being true to themselves while living in a world that pushes for conformity.
But back to Kate--Overall, I think the seal got a better outcome than she did!
I felt confused by Kate going into action mode of planning the return of the family to the household, just like old times--getting on the phone, seemingly animated with purpose, like old times. I kept waiting for her to change her mind, to stop herself, maybe not to go home at all. But she is going to. So is it different now because she's choosing it? In the sense that she has awareness that she's choosing the caregiver role? Because what else is there? I don't know!
I’m having the same reactions. Lessing depicted the attitudes and daily life of a certain class in this era so on-target (and yes, was eerily prescient), and then this last section was disappointing. Has anyone read The Good Terrorist? I think I’ll tackle that this summer too.
I agree, Cari. The writing holds up but the conclusion left me wondering if the decision to not dye her hair was somehow more significant then, to Lessing, or is meant to be the first brick to fall from the wall, or is Lessing herself commenting here on how little or significantly any of us "change," if at all.
I'm trying to think of other books that have done this to me, but this book reminded me of the one time I've knowingly slept-walked, the one time I went to bed and woke up on the couch. At some point I went from point A to point B and I'm really not sure how.
That's kind of how I feel about this book—at some point I started off on a journey with a middle-aged woman going out into the world to find herself, and I thought I knew where we were going. And then the next thing I knew I was having dinner with her and a self-important young fascist (who felt absolutely creepily contemporary 2023) in an underground flop-house. Like, wait, a second, uh, how'd I get here, again?
I feel like I need to read through this book again knowing where it went, knowing what misplaced assumptions I brought into it, to try to figure out what I lost along the way. The kind of dissatisfaction I felt at the end (which may or may not be anything like what you're experiencing), I wonder if it's a matter of having lost the thread along the way, or just that disorienting feeling of thinking I'd picked up one thread and then found out I was holding something entirely different at the end.
Which is all to say I think I have more to say but I'm not sure I know how to say it yet!..